Have you ever had a time with your spouse that you wanted to rip his/her head off? Or were just so sick of listening to him/her that you would rather be a victim in a Saw movie than to hear another word? Unfortunately in relationships there are no set rules like there is in a game of football or basketball. Those things at least have guidelines and regulations and structure so that people know what is going on. We are not so lucky tho. No matter what we call our “fights” with our spouse, whether it be arguing, bitching, disagreeing or bickering, it should at least be positive. Your goal if you have a fight is to get the problems resolved. Saying shitty things to one another only adds more problems.
Fighting with your spouse can be looked at as a positive thing. Yes I know, no one likes fighting. But it allows you to talk out your concerns. It actually makes the other person feel as if you have invested in the relationship. Once you get your problems out on the table, you and your partner can make the steps to fixing the problems.
Alright well, below I’ll give some examples of “positive fighting”. Let’s focus on strengthening your relationship and not destroying it. Especially if this relationship is worth keeping.
Be nice. And when I mean nice I mean respectful. It doesn’t feel good when someone calls you a bitch or stupid. No one likes to be belittled. First of all someone that has to resort to that should tell you a lot about that person. Happy, confident, mature people don’t put others down. They do that kind of stuff because they need to make themselves feel as if they have more control or like to think they are powerful. Others may just be crazy insecure that all they have are hurtful words left to say only because they themselves have fucked up in the relationship and that’s their only escape. Nonetheless try and stay away from hurtful words. If it slips, apologize.
Stick with the subject. This is not easy all the time. If you have had issues before with your spouse that hurt really bad or made serious trust issues in your relationship, not bringing that up is hard when you fight. Pointing the finger is so easy. But what does it really do other than take you away from the topic you are trying to work on. I mean if you still have issues from before they should probably have been worked on then so you could move forward. Try and take care of one problem at a time and as they come as well. Attack the problem not the person. Use “I” and “we” not “you” when making your points.
Don’t yell or scream. Using calm voices will help drastically with your argument and also your communication skills. If you are so pissed off that you feel all you want to do is yell at your person, walk away. Go give yourself a timeout and continue when you are better.
Listen. I cannot tell you how much more pissed off I get if I am interrupted when I am talking. Do yourself the favor of not interrupting while your spouse talks. You will gain the same respect back. Both parties want to be heard.
Don’t only listen, understand too. Put yourself in your spouses shoes. Try and feel how they are feeling. Also ask throughout the conversation how they are feeling. Fighting isn’t always simple. Have a heart and take care of your other halfs heart as well. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. It just opens doors and helps to want to resolve the problem together.
Work as a team. Work out your issues together. Keep them between you and your spouse. Don’t run and tell your friend or sister that your man is an asshole or worthless etc. Work out issues amongst yourselves like adults. I’m not saying don’t seek advice. What I’m saying is talk with your partner first and try and figure out a solution before running to others.
Forgive and Forget. Okay, so you said your problems, you talked it out, you hopefully came up with a solution, now let it go. Move forward and learn from your arguments.
Happy positive fighting friends!
Sweet Veronica G 